The week from hell.

[fyrstormer]

A couple years ago, I met a wonderful woman, who was unfortunately busy finishing a PhD at a university four hours away from me. Since last August, she had been looking for a job near me that would actually use her PhD. Shortly before Memorial Day, she found one -- two hours away from where I live. Just far enough that it wasn't practical to drive over whenever I felt like it. Unbeknownst to my conscious mind, all the little plans I had for us to actually spend time together whenever we wanted started melting down into a red-hot pool of slag in the back of my mind, and without even realizing it, I started frantically burying it under piles of work.

I suppose I should've realized something was wrong when I looked forward to going back to work almost as soon as I got home each day...or when I started doing extra work in the evenings...or when I started sleeping through most of the weekend...or when I started buying fast food every night instead of cooking...or when I opted out of all social activities...or when I stopped shaving. Of course, I didn't realize something was wrong -- I was too busy distracting myself, because I knew I couldn't get angry at my girlfriend for accepting the only job offer she'd gotten in 10 months of searching.

Fast forward to June 13th. I'd had a couple unpleasant episodes of lightheadedness at work the previous couple days, which I knew were caused by stress, but I didn't see the pattern. That night the accumulated stress hit me like a ton of bricks; my heart started racing and wouldn't stop for anything. I'd had severe anxiety before, but it always responded to breathing exercises. This was completely beyond my control. At one point I put on a mini blood-pressure meter I have, and it registered 160/100 with a pulse of 140bpm. After an hour of that with no sign of abating, I called 911 and had myself carted off to the ER.

This story ends slightly better than it might sound. After the trip to the ER, a big dose of benzos to calm me down, and a trip to the cardiologist a week later, it's pretty clear I "only" had a panic attack. Nonetheless, I've spent most of the past week asleep, drugged, or feeling like my muscles were on fire from constant adrenaline bombardment.

It has been a most unpleasant week, full of mental and physical pain, no tolerance for stress, feeling like I've had to wait endlessly for everything, and being nearly incapable of eating even the simplest, blandest foods. And a rock from a truck chipped my car's windshield right in the center of my vision. And my girlfriend was supposed to visit this weekend, but now she has the stomach flu, and I can't afford to catch it from her and be unable to eat. Ugh.

Thank god for my Pro-Flex. Riding it, and going for walks in the evenings, are the only things that have kept me sane for the past week.

[Willie_B]

Dude, that's some rough tale there. Will this all lead to some life-style changes? It sounds like you have a good outlook now so smile about it all, laugh about the rest.

I gave my wife a card after we had been married a year. On the front it said
 "You are the answer to my prayers"

On the inside it said
"You are not exactly what I prayed for but evidently you are the answer"

We are still married.....

[fyrstormer]

That's a pretty good card. I LOLed.

Lifestyle changes? I dunno. My job allows me to telecommute, so in the long run I'll probably end up spending part of the week with her. In the short term, I'm just trying to stabilize my mood so it stops oscillating between numb vs. nervous to the point of shaking for no particular reason.

[petes97857]

Hi there

Good to see you are seeing the symptoms now
Been there done that to

Communication and honesty are best for long term relationships and I can understand how easy it is to shove stuff aside you just end up at the wrong side of a badly made dam.

Been going through long term physical rehab last three years the exercise is a good thing tires body which you need when brain is busy

Fixing proflex issues is good therapy to
always set a reasonable task and finish on a win situation it's better to screw on one bolt successfully than stress about one screwed up job

Pete

[Spokes]

The good thing is you know what the problem is and youve faced it. Keep talking about it and dont bottle it up. We all go through rough times at some point and having a mechanism to deal with it is important. Getting out into the countryside on a bike and clearing your mind is a very good way to relax. And there is always this forum for a bit of light reading or banter!
Keep your chin up mate.

Chris

[fyrstormer]

It's been a little more than a week since my last post. The burning pain has been gone since the day of my original post, which is obviously a good thing. I got to see my girlfriend last weekend and we agreed that we're both "in it to win it", as it were. I haven't gotten as much riding as I'd like to, though. I still have slight residual chest pain, sometimes when I'm sitting at work or lounging around, sometimes when I start to exercise before I'm warmed up, but never during or immediately after exercising. I've been thoroughly examined by two cardiologists and two radiologists (yay for good insurance), and they say my insides are so healthy they can't even guess what I might need to watch out for in 20 years. Despite that, though, in my current state of mind I just can't shake the feeling that maybe they've missed something important, so most of my exercise has been walking instead of biking the past couple weeks.

I think the real problem is, for the first time in my life I've got enough of my ducks in a row that I'm actually scared of dying and losing it all. The fact that it's coincided with me being 30 years old, arguably the end of any reasonable definition of physical youth, hasn't helped. And I guess I feel like I owe the universe some kind of penance for the nine years of smoking, and I'm wondering what exactly the punishment will be.

It still bothers me that my girlfriend is two and a half hours away, but my company is really flexible about telecommuting, so I'm optimistic that I'll be able to swing an arrangement where I telecommute from her house a couple days a week and stay with her on the weekends, then come back to my own place to work the rest of the week. If that pans out, it should make me feel a lot better. Then the only really important thing I'll have to work out is whether to keep my Pro-Flex at my place or hers.

[Willie_B]

Sounds like you just need a second Proflex so you can have one at both places. Or even a third so she can ride too.


Something I read a while back that I thought was good.

To keep from dying is not the same as "to live."



Yes, 30 sucks, but then so did 40 and 50, and I am closing in on 60 but still ride. The neat thing now is that I don't give a rats a** what anybody thinks about me or my ride so I can just do my thing. I was 35 when I got married and don't feel like I missed anything. In fact I feel like I had lived enough that I was able to make better choices by then. Either that or I had to find someone that could handle me so I married a kindergarden teacher. If she can handle a room full of kids I got a chance!!!!!!

[fyrstormer]

Heh. Well, last year I spent $4000 on a Christini AWD bike that I haven't used much since I built it, so buying a second Pro-Flex would be hard to justify right now.

It would be nice if she wanted to ride, but I don't know anyone who enjoys riding who needed prodding to actually start riding. She says she wants a bike, but she also dislikes hot weather, and Virginia in the summer is full of hot weather. I'm not holding out much hope on that point.

So, the various doctors I saw couldn't find anything wrong with me; I have a bit of a fatty liver, but living in modern America with high-fructose corn syrup everywhere, it's actually a credit to my lifestyle that I only have a *bit* of a fatty liver. But the really interesting thing is, my doctor diagnosed me with depression with non-traditional symptoms. Apparently a habit of thinking about unpleasant things that requires conscious restraint to stop it, and frequent heartburn, can be symptoms of depression. He put me on Prozac to treat it; I'm not sure Prozac is the right medicine for me, but the initial results suggest my doc was bang-on with his diagnosis.

[timboiow]

Hope it all going well now and you can ween yourself off the medication at some point. I know where you are coming from on the age thing, but then again perhaps the answer is to live in the moment - you can't do anything about the "past" and the "future" hasn't happened so no point worrying about that,so "now is the thing you can just get on and enjoy. I find a nice bit of singletrack, is probably the best medicine (that and my 9yr old daughters smile !). Keep talking to us guys on the Forum, cos its nice to hear of people getting out and enjoying their biking....take it easy out there :-)

[fyrstormer]

Worrying about the future has worked out splendidly for me thus far, even though the side effects are sometimes unpleasant. I doubt I'll ever stop.

I wasn't too keen about taking Prozac at first, and the first week was really rough while my brain adjusted to suddenly being revved-up, but my doc was spot-on with his diagnosis. I'm less argumentative and I haven't had heartburn for more than a few minutes in a couple months. I wouldn't object to continuing to take the stuff, as long as it's not habit-forming.

But yes, riding helps a lot too. Now that my nerves have calmed down, I can ride hard without worrying I'm going to have another panic attack as a reaction to all the muscle tension, or a heart attack, or an aortal aneurysm, or any of the other rare-yet-devastating things I had been worrying about previously. I went for a stress test at the cardiologist a few weeks after my panic attack, and seeing the results of that test helped a lot. At peak exertion, my heart rate was 190 beats per minute, and my blood pressure was 184/78. Makes the numbers I saw during the panic attack look pretty tame by comparison -- it only felt bad because my brain was malfunctioning.

[w2zero]

I am and always have been a fan of sci-fi.  Some of the lines from Dune come to mind when discussing panic attacks.   My daughter in law used to have a lot of trouble with them.  Much less so today.


 "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune
tags: bene-gesserit, fear, litany-against-fear

It also helped to know fear and my danger of imminent demise while being shot at for a year to put things into perspective later in life. 

[beeeerock]

Was just poking around and came across this thread... and wondered at the beginning if depression was involved.  Glad to read further on that your doctor also considered this!

Something to recognize is that there are quite a few different medications on the market that are intended for the same purpose, but do it in different ways (chemically).  Everyone reacts a little differently to each.  Some make you lethargic and put on weight, others give you energy and weight gain isn't an issue!  Prozac is a fairly old drug these days and has its own set of pros/cons.  Believe it or not, some people actually get worse on it and become suicidal!  Safe to say if you're doing well with it after a few months, this isn't likely to be problem for you, but awareness is valuable.

What I'm saying is, if you're in a good place these days, take the time to research your options and discuss with your doctor.  You might find something that works better for you and your lifestyle.  Or maybe Prozac is it.  But educating yourself thoroughly is always a Good Thing!

Exercise is a natural anti-depressant too, so keep riding! 

[fyrstormer]

Well, I had another panic attack last week, much milder because I was able to clamp down on it with medication, and I know what caused it this time. I'm getting a pretty good idea of what the problem is now. When I have problems I can't solve, I throw myself into everything else I do, so I can feel adequately productive and entertained and in-control. Well, I've had some problems I haven't been able to solve continuously for a few years now, and my job is entirely mental, so I basically just overworked my brain until it could no longer control its emotional reaction to the problems I can't solve -- and being exhausted and frazzled, its reaction is disproportionally severe.

Prozac worked for a couple months, but I had tons of side effects from it (including occasionally wishing I were dead), some of which are so rare my doctor had only ever heard of one other patient who had them. I suffered through the side effects because I really needed the medicine to work, and to its credit, it *did* cure all of the things the doctor said it would cure -- heartburn, non-stop overthinking, and even headaches which I had always just assumed were "natural" for me. My doc switched me to Zoloft this week. It's still kicking in, so I can't say for sure if it will work as well as Prozac did, but if nothing else at least I'm not getting any severe side-effects from it. Zoloft also boosts dopamine in addition to serotonin, so I'm hoping that will help me feel more contented and less apt to Do All The Things to keep myself occupied.

[purple gerbil]

I must say fyrstormer your very brave to be speaking to some guys that you don't even know about something so personal,so I'm going to stick my neck out too.The more I read the easier I feel about speaking about it myself.At the age of 13 I caught salmonella,my body went into shock,which In turn resulted in a nervous breakdown,over 2 years later i returned back to school. My cycling helped me get over it . Fast forward to age 23 it all kicked off again with anxiety,depression and the feeling of worthlessness. My doctor says some of it could be down to RedBull side effects. Fast forward again to present day,its been 13 years and i suffer with ocd,anxiety,depression,panic attacks,muscle weakness and sometimes i can't explain things i forget the words. I'm presently only on amitriptyline for the daily migraines,sometimes i only get 3 hrs sleep at night because my brain is in overdrive,my brain feels like it's fluttering when i close my eyes. Doctors on the 24th of this month to see what concoction i get this time  keep your head high and just keep going forward,my 3 kids keep me going.

[w2zero]

I communicate daily with my veteran buddies along the same lines.  Some are heavily medicated by the Veterans Administration, some are self-medicating and for my part, I have found that both can have good or ill effects depending on the individual and/or the meds.  I have had grand mal flashbacks to Vietnam in the past and am largely free of most of the effects of PTSD now but there are some triggers even yet.  Getting to know yourself inside out is a great start and talking to someone with same or similar problems makes a great difference.